I just finished the new Star Trek: Discovery pilot episode. To say the least, I was non-plussed. Why? You may ask. I'm glad you asked! To understand the many face-palm moments I experienced, I'm going to recreate the storyline with one change: instead of Captain Han Bo, we're going to put in Captain Jean Luc Picard. Now, that's not to say that I didn't like Han Bo (she was actually one of my least-hated characters), but rather I hope it'll illustrate something important. Let's begin!
BEWARE! SPOILERS AHEAD!
Opening Scene -- Begin Star Trek Music
[Opening Scene -- The starship is repairing a communications satellite that has been impaled or shot by something.
The first in command, Commander Rainsford, is overseeing the repairs on the bridge. She walks into Captain Picard's office.]
Picard: Yes, Number One?
Rainsford: Your chief science officer is worried something took a bite out of our relay.
[Picard has a long sagacious pause]
Picard: Why does Lieutenant Saru believe this?
[Rainsford gives a blank stare because the writers forgot to tell us why]
Picard: I see...What do you think it is?
Rainsford: By all indications...nothing intelligent.
Picard: In that case, it may be an enemy ship, or a space monster, or one of the thousands of asteroids outside our view screen, or any other million possibilities. Please continue your investigation until we know more. Is that all Number One?
Rainsford: Starfleet's tech hygiene is exemplary. When a relay goes down, Starfleet sends a ship to fix it.
Picard: Um, yes, Commander; I am aware of Starfleet's protocol.
Rainsford: Perhaps someone is trying to get our attention.
[Picard adjusts his uniform]
Picard: Now, let's not start jumping to conclusions. You just said that the evidence is supporting the theory that the damage was caused by an non-intelligent source!
[Six Hours Later, Picard is in his office writing on his iPadd, filling out Commander Rainsford's performance report]
Picard: My second in command has been acting weird lately, making conflicting statements. This is bizarre for a half-vulcan.
The Discovery
[An hour later, on the bridge, Captain Picard is sitting in his throne]Lt. Saru: There is something out there!
Picard: Report!
Lt. Saru: Recalibrating sensors...active scan to deflector; I'm having trouble locating the source. Ah wait! I have it!
[The large viewscreen shows a majestic system-size asteroid field. It zooms in on one tiny section of the large field of rocks]
Picard: What am I looking at?
Lt. Saru: Object of unknown origin.
Picard: Very well, this could be literally anything. Let's get more specific Lieutenant.
[Commander Rainsford rudely pushes Saru aside and taps on the command station. A moment later a data readout begins cascading on the screen]
Rainsford: [Technobabble], the object is roughly 150 meters long, just below us. It's in a sensor deadzone...some kind of scattering field is confounding the ship's ability to translate the image.
Picard: Translate the image? Commander, we don't need to translate anything; just see it. But, since the object's image is blurry, let's send a probe.
Some of you at this point may be thinking that they don't have probes in this time; but that's of course crazy since we have probes here and now--they're called satellites! Literally just a camera strapped to a small stabilizer and guidance system.
[Commander Rainsford pulls out an old-time rusty telescope on a tripod and begins looking through the eye piece]
Picard: Um, Commander? What is this?
Rainsford: Perhaps if I look at the object with my naked eye through this telescope!
Picard: Our super-powered optical processors cannot make heads or tails of it. It's like a mirage! How do you possibly hope to glean any information this way?!
[Five Hours Later, Picard is in his office writing on his iPadd, filling out Commander Rainsford's performance report]
Picard: My second-in-command is exhibiting increasingly erratic behavior. I suspect she may have a Zultonian brain beetle making her mad.
The Investigation
[The probe returns, but its data is scrambled. Picard and team are still observing the unknown object. Probably trying things like viewing it from different angels, bouncing measuring lasers off it]Picard: We've been at this for hours. Lieutenant, are the repairs on our communications relay finished?
Lt Saru: Yes Sir.
Picard: Very well, we've gathered enough data. Send out an encoded message to all ships nearby that an unknown object is in this sector. Request a science vessel to study the phenomenon, and escorted by two destroyer-class ships, since something did destroy our relay earlier. Otherwise, let's continue on our original mission. We're to deliver supplies to Outpost Pegasus 8-111.
Lt Saru: Very good Sir!
[Suddenly Commander Rainsford, wearing barely anything, busts into the bridge. She looks confused and distraught, screaming about Klingons]
Rainsford: There are klingons out there, we need to go to red alert.
Picard: Almost no one has seen a klingon in a hundred years!
Lt Saru: Captain, the Commander is currently irradiated and has a grade III concussion.
Picard: Oh my...Doctor! Your patient has escaped. Red shirt one, two, and three; please escort the Commander back to sick bay.
Rainsford: But Captain! That object could be hiding a klingon raiding party!
[Rainsford is dragged from the bridge, kicking and screaming]
Lt Saru: If there are Klingons nearby, we should retreat.
Picard: Agreed.
THE END
